JAWS: A Viewing Between a Father and Son

The days and nights following the reveal of my dad’s cancer diagnosis were mostly marked by a state of nightmarish disbelief and a shadow of sadness cast down upon my family. It was in those days and nights where I had to confront the world; where I had to examine and evaluate what was truly at stake; where I had to think through my situation, or else fall into despair. But no, I refused to fall into despair, for I saw nothing more pointless and revolting than the idleness that despair entails. Rejecting despair became my greatest responsibility for myself and for my family. Therefore, it wasn’t that everything in my life necessarily changed, but rather certain things finally became clearer.

One night that stood out was when my father and I watched Jaws together after my sister and mother went to bed. This was a film we had always shared, but on that evening it brought us together deeper than ever. The film itself of course features a protagonist, a father of two sons who is thrust against the will of a seemingly unstoppable force of nature -- thrust in defense of his family and his town. It is not just a shark. He must overcome fears, and become more than a sheriff in this situation. He must innovate and overcome, despite the odds, as he does in the film's climactic moments.

My father and I had seen the film countless times. We nearly knew it by heart. He reminisced with me about first seeing it during his high school years in the drive-in in 1975; a great year for movies, he said (and it was). He still remembered the invigorating pain of his girlfriend’s nails digging into his arm during the film’s scariest moments. Meanwhile, I discussed the beauty of certain shots in the movie, the slight yet effective meaning and visual storytelling conveyed in the simplest and seemingly most insignificant of scenes. Usually he would block out such analysis on my part, and I would typically block out such nostalgic musings from him. But on that night the movie took a backseat. On that night it was about us, and we listened.

 

He started discussing many things and many deeper things. As we were alone, he shared wisdom and he shared secrets. Secrets, not terribly dramatic but yet deeply significant, bringing tears to his eyes as he unveiled pieces of his being from within. An urgency flowed through him. He spoke as a man aware of his looming mortality. It haunted his words and his voice.

 

I will not share the secrets, because the secrets are not mine to tell. However, he did reveal something significant about our relationship that I never recognized before. He told me that in all our conversations he always tried to play devil’s advocate by taking the opposing position of whatever I supported. He explained that it was his way of making me more critical about my beliefs. I always naively reduced this behavior as some sort of almost spiteful contrarianism in the form of some father/son family banter. But upon revealing his true intentions I realized it was one of the most profound forms of nurturing a son could receive.

Truthfully, I have always felt a little at odds at how I view the world in relation to others. Especially in my younger days, I was dissatisfied with mainstream political positions, skeptical of religion, and skeptical of much of the world. I always perceived this skepticism, my “unique” way of thinking, to be my own. I would concede that I was influenced by certain thinkers and even institutions in what I believed; but the source of my vision of the world -- the how and why of my thinking and beliefs -- remained a mystery to me. A prideful part of myself considered this to be something innate in my being. But on that night I realized that the source of my thinking comes from my father’s best effort to will into me a skeptical and compassionate view of the world. I reflected quietly on this discovery as the film continued, a newfound sense of humility and gratitude within me.

And when the film finished, and when the shark and the unstoppable force of nature was gloriously eradicated, we both admired together what is a truly great film.

That night, during my shower before bed, I had a culminating realization within myself. No matter what happens with my father, he will live on within me. My father is, above all, the biggest influence in the shaping of myself, beyond school or university or friends or country or art or other admirable persons. My father will always be eternal through me. As I extend into the world, so does he.

He lives within me, as he does within "Jaws".